That which is fully touched
“That which is fully touched can be released and move on.”
I recently attended Cory Muscara’s virtual retreat centered around inner peace, and while there was a lot for me to unpack as Trauma and unaddressed emotions came up, this quote perhaps could summarize my experience on it the most.
The first thing I acted upon as I exited the retreat was to quit my Instagram. What does that mean to me exactly? Well, it is not to go cold turkey on using social media — in fact, I am still fairly active on my business accounts, and of course working on my clients’ channels. I still use my Facebook account, and I am on LinkedIn. So really, in hindsight, I now see it was a need to shed a certain narrative and identity. In particular, of being an influencer. (barf)
To be honest, I never thought myself to be much of an influencer. I’ve long since let go of my fashion blog (what fashion lol), and cringe at the thought of people thinking I influence for a living. Even though I denied the fact, the reality was I did have a small audience (mostly friends) who follows my feed and very kindly responds to my whims and fancies, and this reality sat very uncomfortably with me because I did not create content to serve my audience. I have, for many years, been lost on how best I can serve. But at least for now, I can live more comfortably knowing I don’t have the pressure — no, not pressure, but maybe the bait of notification dopamine luring over my weak brain. The first step to shedding my old narratives and living fully has been taken.
Circling back from my digression, the most important learning I gratefully received from the retreat was compassion. Something so basic, yet lacking in my dark little cave of a heart.
To fully explain my takeaways, I think it is necessary (I will try to keep it short) that I explain the context of my wellbeing before the retreat. Going in, I have been running on empty for perhaps months or years, running three businesses and trying to keep sane. I often think of listing out what I should do in a day just to laugh at the idiocracy of the culmination of all the hacks and tips from self-help gurus. I was a pile of self-proclaimed failures drowning under a sea of should've and self-criticism. In advocating for “success”, I compartmentalised my soul’s cries for help as weakness and shortcomings. I was so strong — yet so weak.
Since January, I have been experiencing inexplicable, immense shifts like starting running and embarking on a year of less (no shopping for a year) with no apparent reason or motivation. And this retreat was the peak at which I am coming fully into my being. In every literal sense, I retreated. I shut off notifications, I reduced stimulants. I nourished myself with silence. I finished A Simpler Life by The School of Life, which beautifully aligned with this retreat and my soul’s longing for a more pared-down life (which conveniently soothes my anxiety about finance and the future too).
Through unplugging and deeply dropping into my awareness, I was able to touch all the trauma that I’d never seen. I witnessed the pains of my teenage years, being rejected and feeling alone. The repeated self-loathing mantra of “nobody will ever like you” is deeply ingrained and transformed into people-pleasing patterns. The hurt of my inner child, vulnerably curled up in a corner yet ever-ready to raise a sword in fear and anxiety. I witnessed it all, and I cried. I shed all the tears I should’ve cried then, and I cried now for all the hurt I’ve caused myself through neglect. I cried as the inner child in relief of being seen, and I cried as the adult in solidarity and compassion.
In seeing my own being, I gained compassion for myself and others. Learning to hold myself and others with tenderness allows for an expanded capacity to be kinder. To understand that emotions are just that — and we are bigger than what is coming up in that moment. I watched my own thoughts, and the awareness showed me that we have the power to be in alignment. I’ve also started to question some narratives of what I’m supposed to be, where am I supposed to go, all to answer the question “what would the future look like if there were no limits?” Understanding the expectations are but a creation of the mind, I am more comfortable with not knowing the answer, and detaching from any ego-generated identity (i.e. entrepreneur, spiritual/wellness/fitness person, influencer, whatever!)
Now, I am left with more freedom to live deeply, experience fully all the aspects of being a human, and appreciate the journey and hard work we all have been doing. We are doing our best with the resources we have. And it’s OK to not know the answer. We don’t have to fix everything all the time.
We are here, in the now. By having trust in the yet unknown, we are complete now. My heart is full, and I am excited to witness the journey unfold.
Summary of some impactful learnings:
Sometimes, just being aware of your patterns is enough. You can respect your own resistance to exploring some emotions. Look at that resistance instead, ask what it is trying to tell you.
Recurring patterns and feelings are here for a reason. Trust that there is a lesson here and don’t just negate them or chastise yourself for not changing.
Personifying my reactive emotions have been huge. I realised narrating Karen (the mind constantly trying to make sense of things) is always out and about, often accompanied by criticising Karen. Just saying hi to them breaks the circuit and lets me drop into the current moment.
There are no bad emotions. Hold your experience in tenderness and give it space to unfold. Say to yourself: “of course.” Not to provide a solution or to deny the feeling, but to just say the feeling is valid. This feeling is welcomed here too. Observe with objectivity and distance.