Hey guys! How you been? Here’s a little update in my life – I left hkclubbing and wcity after two years and have moved onto WGSN. *insert trumpet noises and stuff* Yeah I know, it’s a big deal right?! Though I actually take care of the travel section, and also this post isn’t really about that.
I’m going to be real with y’all – I’m fat. Not plus-sized fat like size XXXL, but I’m close. Plus, in Asia, I’m actually a 2XL. Are you for real, I hear you ask. Yep – and I have no intention of being in denial anymore.
Wearing: MDS Collection top via Zalora (get 15% off: BAPQDT8), Chevignon denim, shoes from I.T. outlet in Tung Chung
How it happened
It’s not one of those sob stories about having an illness or going through a tough time. I know exactly how I went out of control, and it all started when I was attending opening parties and tastings left and right. I was in cloud 9, I felt influential, and it was like a breath of fresh air to be in the know and in the game. I went out all the time, partied and drank regularly all through the week, and relationship troubles fueled me along the way like pouring alcohol on fire.
It was also the time where the body positivity movement began to take hold over on the other side of the world – and I was hooked. Between yoyo-ing in weight and having hardcore fitness weeks, I began to tell myself that it’s OK to look however way you look, you look good anyway.
“Here’s another confession – I’ve gained over 20 pounds and grown two sizes since two years ago.”
I look pretty gross here… But I suppose that’s part of the real me.
The sobering moment
You know how you always think you are fat, but when you look back you thought the old you is actually rather quite skinny? The never-ending regret cycle aside, I’ve always coped with my size however I could. Being a blogger helped with that, I coped by showing a side of me that “looked good” despite being a size 8, or size 10, or size 12. I told myself that I was proving to the world that indeed, you could still make it despite being fat.
But as I hit size 14, when even my best part – the sharp V face started rounding out, all the last bits of self-confidence started to drain away. I started to be in denial, I started buying new clothes in the name of trying new silouettes and cleaning out old trends and clothes I hated (because they no longer fit, but that’s not the point! I said.)
Being in a stable and happy relationship makes you grow – both in weight and maturity. I reached a point where brighter hair and looser cuts couldn’t help me anymore. I started to hit XLs even at Uniqlo, I can’t fit into even more things sold in HK (didn’t know that was possible!) and I felt like shit. It didn’t help that HK was a place where you are rewarded for being pretty, where losing weight can REALLY get you through more doors. Where the fuck was body positivity in the community when I really needed it?!
Needless to say, a desperate 2-week attempt at healthy eating and pilates soon fell into pieces. The excuses never ends: I’m too busy, too tired, it’s too expensive, too far away…
Where I am now
So… I’ve definitely cut down on drinking and smoking, I eat home cooked food a lot more now, and I still fantasize about being one of those people that go anywhere near a gym on a regular basis. I own a bunch of activewear, I go out in leggings and I plank about once a month because hey – I can actually go for 1.5 minutes before collapsing. Eating is the highlight of my day, and I’ll never abandon that for anything. Most importantly, I’ve found styles that work for me and my size.
But I also still constantly fall into lapses of depression when I look in the mirror or stand next to any friend of mine or stare at any attractive passerby with the effortless chic look that’s so common nowadays in Soho.
I suppose the only difference is – I know for a fact that I’m happier than I’ve ever been two years ago, five years ago, or at any point of time when I was the optimal amount of skinny I can ever be. I’m not unfit, I should exercise more but isn’t there something we all can work on?
This is the point I hold onto whenever I look at my bulging stomach, whenever I question myself why I can’t wear a goddamn bodycon dress or even wear a sports cap like those kool kids do. I’m no Kylie no matter how much I wish I could be, but being Karen right now isn’t half bad.
As a soon-to-be 24 year old, having spent almost a quarter of a century on earth, I think I’ve still got a lot of learning to do. I still listen too much to what other people say and care too much about what other people think. But I’m slowly getting there, and if you’re reading this still, I hope you can learn to be content and happy with yourself no matter what happens too.
“I’m a size 14 (UK). I’m having trouble dealing with it, but I will always remember that you can be happy at any size. And no matter how ugly I think I look, I am always loved for being me by the people who matter.”
Maybe in a couple of years I’ll be a size 8. Maybe I’ll finally stick to some sort of regular exercising. Maybe soon I won’t even give a shit anymore. Who knows what the future holds?
Amazing photography as always by Gabrielle Salonga
Special thanks to my girlfriend and my mother for the unwavering support and love that makes me a stronger and more confident person every day.
Till next time, you reading and supporting actually means a lot to me. My blog makes me negative dollars every month, but I do it because it’s what I love. I hope you’ll love it too. xx